Or an ant. You know, like in Proverbs?
Okay, short nerd story: When I was nine I dressed up as an ant for Halloween because our church did a harvest festival thing and you were supposed to dress up as a bible character/ theme and there was a prize for the most unique. So my mom and I picked that verse about ants being good workers or whatever, and I dressed up as an ant! And no, I did not win the contest... I spent most of the night explaining what the heck I was dressed up as. Yeah, I really was such a dorky homeschooled church kid. And I love that.
So, the point is that I am taking two classes (one online, thank you Jesus) and working four hours a day Monday-Thursday for the next four weeks. Top that off with church-related activities three nights a week and taking care of two college dudes, and you can only guess how crazy my life will be for the next four weeks. The only thing this schedule has going for it is that I have Fridays COMPLETELY FREE! Although I already have several ideas for how to fill that free time.
How exactly is it that I can be so busy all the time, and yet feel like I am so lazy and never get anything done? And I am so busy that I burn myself out, yet whenever I have a day just to rest, I feel like I am wasting it. I really need a truth check sometime soon.
Main point of this post: I may not be blogging much anytime soon.
See you in July!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Surface-y
I've been feeling really weird lately... well, more than lately, I think it's kind of been a long time coming. Shallow isn't really the right word for it, and neither is superficial, but I feel like I have just been living on the surface, like not just my actions, but my inner life. My thoughts and feelings just seem to lack depth, to me. They feel surface-y.
I feel like it's because I just got done with a semester... more like a whole school year, that demanded so much of me that I really had no time or energy to devote to "deep" things. And the few times that I did feel deeper than school, it was not positive at all. See, I'm healing right now, and when you are healing it is really easy and comfortable to not be deep. To not think to much about yourself or life or purpose, but to just fill all your time and energy with what is going on in your life - school and work and church and family and friends.
So lately I've been tired of surface Katie. I know deep Katie is down in there somewhere, but I have to be honest and say that I am scared to look for her. But I'm scared to not look for her either. What if she is lost forever? And what is the point to living, anyway, if you are not living from your deep self? I'm not saying that I have not been myself lately, that I have been wearing a mask, that I have been hiding, because who I am on the surface is me too. I'm not faking it, but I am not sure that I am letting everything out either.
Here's the thing: I am coming to a time soon when I have to make a lot of decisions that will affect my future for the next couple years. I am graduating in December and I feel like it is looming over me right now, because I don't know what I want to do. Well, that's not true, I know what I want to do, be a mom, but I am supposed to wait until Isaac has a job and we have insurance and a house. That's like at least 2 years away, so what am I supposed to do until then?
I'm supposed to get a job so I can support us while he is student teaching and not making any money. But what kind of job am I supposed to get? Here's what I know: if I have to work 8 hours a day doing something that I am not at least very interested in, it will kill me, emotionally. I've been there, for just a few weeks, and I can not stand it. And part of me says "Just settle" and part of me says "Follow your dreams" and part of me says "You can find a job doing something you like well enough, like at a daycare or bookstore or something" and part of me says "You could get a real job, a career, that's the smartest thing" and part of me says "What's the point of that if I plan on quitting in two years to be a stay-at-home mom" and part of me says "You just say that because you are scared" and part of me says "No, I don't want that".
And most of me says "How confused are you?!"
Wow, there is some peace in just getting that out in writing.
Anyway, the main point is that I am tired of not facing myself, but when I do face myself, I have to answer those questions. And it's overwhelming. And I doubt myself a lot.
But I don't doubt the One who I am following - I just doubt that I will know how to follow Him. What I'm going to do is put my faith in Him and obey when I hear Him speak, like I wrote about in the last post.
Does any of that make sense? At all?
I feel like it's because I just got done with a semester... more like a whole school year, that demanded so much of me that I really had no time or energy to devote to "deep" things. And the few times that I did feel deeper than school, it was not positive at all. See, I'm healing right now, and when you are healing it is really easy and comfortable to not be deep. To not think to much about yourself or life or purpose, but to just fill all your time and energy with what is going on in your life - school and work and church and family and friends.
So lately I've been tired of surface Katie. I know deep Katie is down in there somewhere, but I have to be honest and say that I am scared to look for her. But I'm scared to not look for her either. What if she is lost forever? And what is the point to living, anyway, if you are not living from your deep self? I'm not saying that I have not been myself lately, that I have been wearing a mask, that I have been hiding, because who I am on the surface is me too. I'm not faking it, but I am not sure that I am letting everything out either.
Here's the thing: I am coming to a time soon when I have to make a lot of decisions that will affect my future for the next couple years. I am graduating in December and I feel like it is looming over me right now, because I don't know what I want to do. Well, that's not true, I know what I want to do, be a mom, but I am supposed to wait until Isaac has a job and we have insurance and a house. That's like at least 2 years away, so what am I supposed to do until then?
I'm supposed to get a job so I can support us while he is student teaching and not making any money. But what kind of job am I supposed to get? Here's what I know: if I have to work 8 hours a day doing something that I am not at least very interested in, it will kill me, emotionally. I've been there, for just a few weeks, and I can not stand it. And part of me says "Just settle" and part of me says "Follow your dreams" and part of me says "You can find a job doing something you like well enough, like at a daycare or bookstore or something" and part of me says "You could get a real job, a career, that's the smartest thing" and part of me says "What's the point of that if I plan on quitting in two years to be a stay-at-home mom" and part of me says "You just say that because you are scared" and part of me says "No, I don't want that".
And most of me says "How confused are you?!"
Wow, there is some peace in just getting that out in writing.
Anyway, the main point is that I am tired of not facing myself, but when I do face myself, I have to answer those questions. And it's overwhelming. And I doubt myself a lot.
But I don't doubt the One who I am following - I just doubt that I will know how to follow Him. What I'm going to do is put my faith in Him and obey when I hear Him speak, like I wrote about in the last post.
Does any of that make sense? At all?
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