Why I'm Super Excited About Having a Baby Girl:

- Pink is my favorite color. In the whole wide world.

- My husband is amazing at treating women like princesses, and she will grow up knowing that she is beautiful and worthy in his eyes.

- I get to give her an incredibly beautiful name: Zoë Isabelle Niles.

- The adorable onesies, skirt, and peacock halloween costume that I had already purchased will not go to waste.

- My in-laws have three sons and were dying for us to have a little girl. Won't she be SPOILED?!

- Tutus and tiaras.

- Don't have to worry about things like circumcision or peepee-teepees.

- One day when she is pregnant I will be able to watch her go through all of the uncomfortableness (that's kind of an understatement) that she has put me through.

- I won't have to come up with an excuse for the fact that I own five Barbie movies.

- We females will outnumber Isaac, so he will have to do everything we want, like listen to Taylor Swift and eat at Panera and watch the afore-mentioned Barbie movies. Mwuahahaha!

- I can buy all the Hello Kitty and Disney Princess merchandise that my heart desires... or that my bank account can afford, anyway. Which is not much.

- Little girl clothes are much more abundant and so much CUTER.

I cannot wait to hold my sweet Zoë Belle and help her grow into an amazing, strong warrior princess. I cannot imagine what it will be like to see her for the first time, but I already know she will be the most beautiful, perfect creature that has ever existed. I know it because I am her mama, and she is already the most precious gift God has ever given me.

Goals

I kind of suck when it comes to achieving goals. I'm not being down on myself, really. It's just the truth. For most of my life I have avoided setting goals for myself because I never seem to be able to achieve them. I'm honestly not sure that this is a terrible thing. Sometimes I think our society is too goal-driven, too accomplishment-oriented. In order to achieve goals, you have to set them above everything else. Sometimes you have to sacrifice things that honestly are worth pursuing more than the goal, which is not good.

Or maybe I am just trying to find excuses for why I hate setting goals for myself...

Anyway, my writing goal for November was to blog every day. As you can see by that little "7" next to November 2010 over there --->, that didn't happen. But I am okay with that, because I did happen to blog more in November than I have in any other month for 2+ years. And I had a great month which was not negatively affected by my lack of goal-achievement.

Over the past few years of transitioning into "adulthood", I have come to realize that I am a very externally motivated person. When I have goals, assignments, deadlines, and tasks that are placed on me by others, I am very successful at getting things done. I may procrastinate to the last minute, but I will get it done on time. I cannot stand to let people down.

The flip side of this is that I am very poor at self-motivation. When left to my own devices, there is very little I want to do besides watch Gilmore girls and knit (and, in my current state, eat and eat and eat). I HATE doing chores when I am home alone. I mean, seriously, I can get so much done when Isaac or my mom are at home with me, but I can barely seem to load the washer when left by myself. And then it's only when I HAVE to because I will have no clothes to wear to work the next day, which will make me late the next morning as I scramble around to find something to wear (see, external motivation).

I think this is why I have trouble achieving my writing goals. I also think this is why I am going to commit to having a new writing goal every month, whether I achieve them or not. Because I will never learn to become self-motivated in my writing if I don't start somewhere. Instead of focusing on my failure to achieve last month's goal, I am starting fresh with excitement (and fear!) about this month's goal.

My writing goal for December: write a Christmas-themed short story that is as un-cheesy as possible. I say "as un-cheesy as possible" because I am fairly convinced that, unless your name is O. Henry, it is impossible to write a Christmas short story that is not cheesy. But I will try!

Here's the Problem...

It was easy for me to write that post yesterday. It was easy and sweet. It felt right. I prayed about what to say and asked God to speak through me, to bless you. The words flowed from Him to my heart and out of my fingers onto the keyboard. I loved it.

And then I read the paragraph I wrote again. And then I read the whole post again (after I edited it). And then I realized that, while I find it easy to write all of that about you, it is immensely hard to believe all of that about me. I hope that doesn't make me lose credibility with you. Everything I wrote is true about you and about me. But it is so much easier for me to believe it about you than about me.

My whole life I have struggled with feeling like a failure. That is the honest truth. So many people see me and think that I have it all together and I don't mess up, but the truth is that I feel like a giant screw-up daily. I do. I know it is a lie. I know all of those things I posted yesterday are true for me as well. But I really find it hard to accept for myself.

God told me something the other night in a middle of a melt-down (brought on mostly by the fact that I hadn't eaten dinner and it was 7:00. Not good for pregnant Katie!) where I was getting really down on myself for a lot of stuff. God said, "You sure are quick to offer mercy to others, but you never have any for yourself." I was floored. I couldn't get it out of my mind.

And then my first response was, "Yeah, but I know better. I shouldn't be messing up like that." Wow, proud much?!

So I am asking God to fill me with Truth so that I will recognize the lies I believe about myself. And I am asking him to break down my pride and my expectations for myself so that I can offer the same mercy to myself that I extend to others. I am asking Him to open my heart to what His Word says about me, that I will truly believe it and live it.

What about you? Do you find it easier to offer mercy to others or yourself?

You

I blog a lot about myself. I think that is understandable. It is, after all, kind of the point of a personal journal-type blog, isn't it?

Well, today I don't want to blog about me. I want to blog about you.

You are a treasure. You are a masterpiece created by the Creator. The King of the universe looks at you and thinks you are beautiful, amazing. Worthy. HE thinks YOU are worthy. You are beautiful. You fill me with wonder and awe.

You are not who other people say you are. You are not the things you do. You are not the words you speak. You are not the thoughts you think. You are not a salary or a position or a grade. You are not the face you see when you look in the mirror. You are not clothes or jewelry or a car or a house. You are so much more than all these things. They are a part of you, but they do not define you.

You are a soul. You are potential. You are light. You are a branch connected to the Vine, the Source, Love, Light, Truth. You are a part of something much, much bigger than your own experience. You have power and meaning. You can change the world. YOU CAN! I wish I could look you straight in the eyes right now and tell you how much I truly believe this. With all my heart.

You are a child, a son or a daughter. You belong. You are capable of speaking life, of healing hurts, of revealing Glory. You play a part in the Story that no one else can play. You are a reflection of the most perfect, amazing Being in existence. You have your Daddy's eyes. (My husband said this to me once, and it may be the most beautiful and meaningful complement I have ever received.)

Your life is exciting. Did you know that? You are full of adventure and mystery. You are intricate and detailed. There is so much to you that I could never get tired of learning about you or being around you. You are unique. No one has ever been just like you, and no one ever will be. (Can you imagine a God who can create that many billions of unique people? It floors me.) But though you are unique, you are not alienated or isolated. You are not alone. Others can relate to you, can learn from you. You are inspiring.

But if I could tell you just one more thing about you it is this:

You are loved.

No matter what you have done. No matter what has been done to you. No matter how broken you feel. No matter how unworthy you think you are. YOU are LOVED.

By God. By me. By your family and your friends. By strangers you meet on the street.

YOU MATTER.



If you think for a moment that I am blogging about someone else, not you, then I want you to read this entire post again. Read it out loud. Pay attention to every single word. I mean them. Every single word. About YOU.

English Major - You Do the Math

I'm still waiting for someone to buy me the t-shirt which says that, by the way.

I had a revelation of sorts recently, on why God led me to get a degree in English. Because, as I know all too well, there is not really a whole lot of practical application with an English degree. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me what I was going to do with an English degree, well, I would make more money than I do now!

I chose to major in English literature because my parents have always encouraged me to pursue my passions. And I am possibly more passionate about books and reading and literature than anyone you know. Definitely more than most people you know. The idea of spending four years taking classes where all I had to do was read, discuss, and write about literature sounded like heaven. Oh, and it was! Well, except when all of my professors had papers due in the same week. (I had eight 7+ page papers due in 10 days once. Not. Kidding. At. All.)

But all along I have had these quiet doubts in the back of my mind whenever I would pray about what I was supposed to do with my life and how my college experience would prepare me for whatever God had planned for me. As I have mentioned previously, all through jr. high and high school I was convinced I needed to go to a Bible college. And even though I followed God to OSU and my English degree instead, I still kind of questioned it all along.

Here's what God showed me this past week:

Our LifeGroup has been studying the book of Romans, and one night I commented about how much I love doing Bible studies like this because it feels just like my lit. classes. You read a passage and then get to tear it apart, analyzing it for meaning and context. This is exactly what I learned to do in my three-and-a-half years of lit. classes at OSU. Because I majored in English, I have been trained to take a text and analyze it, discover its meaning, and be able to relate it to the rest of the work, the author's body of work as a whole, the context it was written in, and the context of our culture today.

Suddenly it was so clear to me. Majoring in English prepared me to be a better Bible scholar and teacher than I probably would have been if I had gone to Bible college. Every time I study Scripture, I utilize those skills I learned in my lit. classes. I love getting to illuminate passages for people and help them understand what it means and how it relates to other things in the Bible and in our lives. God has made it clear to me that he has gifted me in Teaching, and majoring in English was one of the main ways he prepared and strengthened that gift.

So now I am praying about and trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with that gift. Romans 12:6-8 tells us to do the things God has gifted us in, and to do them well. I don't really know yet how I am supposed to use this gift for teaching, besides in bible studies with my LifeGroup and SWITCHgroup. I really feel God is going to tie it in to my love of writing, because I am definitely NOT a speaker (notice in that passage from Romans that Preaching and Teaching are two separate gifts). If you have any ideas, I would love to hear them!

Time (Part II)

I had so many thoughts about time, I had to split them into at least two posts. So you wouldn't get bored reading it all at once. Cuz I am so on to our culture's technology-driven ADD. Which segues perfectly into my next thought about time: instant gratification.

Here's the problem with modern technology; we have managed to create a world where we can get everything we want instantly. I don't even need to explain this because you know EXACTLY what I mean. That is why you are using DSL or cable internet to read this blog post because dial-up means waiting whole seconds for the page to load. Or even better, you are reading it on your cell phone so that you can read it not just WHEN you want it, but WHEREVER you want to.

Don't get me wrong: I LOVE being able to warm up a meal in minutes thanks to the microwave. I would hate having to wait for my laundry or hair to air-dry instead of using a dryer. I am a big fan of the internet and our ability to instantly communicate. I think this technology can be (and is being) leveraged for the Kingdom in amazing ways.

The problem comes when we start thinking everything needs to be instant just because some things are. I am struggling with this right now as I wait another three-ish weeks to find out the sex of my child, and another five-ish months to get to hold that sweet baby. Pregnancy is one of those few experiences that we have not yet figured out how to significantly speed up (and this is a really good thing, I think).

As I was reading Acts the past few weeks, I came across two interesting stories relating to timing and instant gratification. One is about Philip (Acts 8:26-40) and the other is about Paul (Acts chapters 23-28). Both of these men were among the earliest missionaries to non-Jews, and we can directly trace our exposure to the Gospel back to them.

Here's where it gets interesting: Philip was preaching to this Ethiopian out in the desert and then he was literally "snatched away" by the Spirit and taken to a town a significant distance away (like 20 miles or something, which was far back when they didn't have cars and plans and stuff). On the other hand, Paul felt God leading him to go to Rome, but his journey there took three or more years, and involved lengthy imprisonment, shipwreck, and several near-death experiences.

What I am learning from these examples, and from what God is showing me in my life, is that just because sometimes God can work instantly doesn't mean he always will. I get frustrated when I don't see the results I am looking for in my habits, my marriage, my SWITCHgroup, after just a few weeks or months of working on it. I start to doubt whether I am doing things the right way. What if I am missing something? Maybe I'm not trying hard enough? Maybe God doesn't have that in his plans for me after all.

I forget that, just because some things happen instantly, not all things are going to change or grow right away. It took Paul three years to get to Rome. It took Abraham 25-ish years to have a son after God had promised him descendants more numerous than the stars or the sand on the shore. It took Jesus 30 years to prepare for his three years of ministry. I need to stop trying to hurry everything in life, anxious to get to the next stage or the next goal. If it takes me 25 years to achieve just one goal, I want to be okay with that. I want to be content in God's timing and not be impatient or discouraged when things aren't happening as quickly as I think they should.

I want the next five months to fly by so I can hold my first child and look into its eyes and hear its cry and feel its skin and smell its head!

Time (Part I)

I find myself thinking about time a lot. "I don't have enough time." "What is taking him such a long time?" "I wish I could magically make more time." "What time is it?" "I wonder if I will finally be able to do it this time." "How much time is this going to take?"

Here's the funny thing about time. It doesn't really exist. At least, not as concretely as we think it does. Time is just a measure of change. Our twenty-four hour days, our seven day weeks, our 52 week years... that's all just a construction we have made up to measure change. Just like feet, inches, meters, and miles don't actually exist outside of the human mind, time is another thing we humans have made up to help us make sense of our experience in an ever-changing world.

Well, God doesn't change. Why then do we expect God to conform to our notions of time? But we do, don't we? I know I do! I pray, "God, let me get pregnant in the next three months." "God, please let me see growth in my SWITCHgroup over the next month." "God, why is it taking so long for him to find a job?" "God, if you could just send ten more leaders in the next month, then we would know our ministry has your favor."

It's not wrong to be specific, or to pray for things to happen in a specific time. It is wrong, though, to assume that if God doesn't work within our timing, he isn't listening or we are doing something wrong or he doesn't want that for us. If there is one thing I have seen throughout my life, it is that God's timing is PERFECT and usually not at all what I expect.

I did not plan to get rejected from the college in Chicago I planned to attend during the same month that I started "talking" to the guy I was eventually going to marry, which resulted in me going to OSU. I didn't plan to get engaged at 18 and married at 19. I didn't plan to be able to graduate a semester early so we could live with my parents in OKC while my husband was student teaching. I didn't plan to be just out of my first trimester (which was awful) just in time for us to move, so that I wouldn't have to deal with that transition while I was feeling all yucky and exhausted.

But God did plan those things for me. At those perfect times when I needed them to most. Those are just some big examples, but I see his perfect planning monthly, weekly, daily even. I am slowly learning to trust him to work in my life at the perfect moment, even as I grow impatient and frustrated as things do not happen when I want them to.

What kind of time constraints are you putting on God? Where do you need to trust his timing in your life? I dare you to go ahead and see if he won't just pull through right when you need him. :)

Soli Deo Gloria

It's Latin for "Glory to God Alone." Ever since I learned this phrase in junior high, I have strived for my life to be Soli Deo Gloria. I'm not always good at it, and I am not always conscious of it, but that is my aim.

Bach would sign the initials SDG at the end of many of his compositions, as did Handel. I love that. These men created beautiful works of art that have stood through centuries, although they could not have known it at the time. They just knew that no matter how popular or celebrated their music became, they wanted to make sure that the glory for it would not go to their name, but to God.

It has been weighing on my heart a lot lately that too much of my life and my focus is about me. When I listen to a good message at church, it's about me. When I am talking to friends, it's about me. When I am deciding how to spend my time, it's about me. When I am listening to someone else's story, it's about me.

As a human, I cannot help but view the world through the lens of my own experience. No matter how hard I try, I could never fully get outside myself and not make it about me. But that doesn't mean I can't try to make it more about God. To be intentional about focusing on his Goodness, his Grace, his Love.

I don't want my life to be about me. I don't want to live for my glory. I want my life to be about him. I want to spend more and more time just in awe of him. I want to let my worries and insecurities fade away and just wonder at his greatness. I want it all to be for his Glory, not mine.

I want to inscribe the initials SDG to my life.

Why I’m Giving Up on NaNoWriMo Before I Ever Really Began

I started out this week with every intention of embarking on the grand adventure of writing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days (See http://www.nanowrimo.org). It is something I attempted twice in high school and have wanted to try again ever since. It really wasn’t an option while in college because I was already reading and writing WAY more than a normal person should ever have to. And I was doing all that for a grade. But I always thought, once I graduated, I would definitely attempt this insane challenge again.

In accordance with my plans, I decided to give it a try this year. I even talked my BFF, Lacee, into doing it, too, so I would have someone to hold me accountable and discuss the craziness with. I had an idea for a story, a basic outline for the plot, and a few characters. I was ready to go.

And now, four days into November, I have come to the realization that I absolutely do not have the time to do NaNoWriMo this year. Trying to write 50,000 words in 30 days without having the time to do it is like trying to run a marathon without, well, LEGS. Or at least with just one leg. I mean, it can be done, but it would be excruciating and no fun and just not what I want to do. At all.

I could make the time for it, of course. But that would involve me sacrificing a lot of things that I shouldn’t or don’t want to give up. Things like knitting pillows for my couch, reading, writing/editing I have been asked to do for others, unpacking the rest of our stuff, being very involved in SWITCH and LifeGroup, hanging out with family and friends, keeping my house clean. Oh, and sleeping. Can’t exactly give that one up right now, you know?

Honestly, I don’t really even feel like I am giving up. I feel more like I am free from this unfair expectation I had set on myself. I still plan to do NaNoWriMo… someday. Maybe when sleep is not as necessary as it is in my current condition. ;) However, I DO want to challenge myself as a writer this month. I was very excited about that. So I have decided I will blog every day for the rest of the month. That is a writing goal I have been wanting to do for awhile, and it is a much more attainable goal for me at the present.

I am excited to start blogging regularly again, and I can’t wait to see what will come of it! Maybe I will even post the 1620 words that I managed to write for NaNoWriMo in the past four days. Or maybe not. ;)

Catching Foxes

Wanna know about one of my favorite things my husband has ever done? A few months ago, he wrote a Bible verse in Sharpie on a piece of white paper and taped it to our bedroom door (facing into the room.) The verse is Song of Solomon 2:15. I've read that book several times, but I never noticed this verse before.

It says: "Catch all the foxes,
those little foxes,
before they ruin the vineyard of love,
for the grapevines are blossoming!"

I love it. I don't know if he has any clue, but I read it multiple times a day, and every time it renews my desire to catch those foxes. Foxes like annoyance, selfishness, greed, anger, insecurity, stubbornness, self-centeredness, self-pity, and lack of discipline. Daily there are little foxes trying to ruin our vineyard, and this verse is a wonderful reminder that daily we need to catch those foxes. They are not allowed to ruin our vineyard.

Especially since the grapevines are preparing to blossom. ;)