It was easy for me to write that post yesterday. It was easy and sweet. It felt right. I prayed about what to say and asked God to speak through me, to bless you. The words flowed from Him to my heart and out of my fingers onto the keyboard. I loved it.
And then I read the paragraph I wrote again. And then I read the whole post again (after I edited it). And then I realized that, while I find it easy to write all of that about you, it is immensely hard to believe all of that about me. I hope that doesn't make me lose credibility with you. Everything I wrote is true about you and about me. But it is so much easier for me to believe it about you than about me.
My whole life I have struggled with feeling like a failure. That is the honest truth. So many people see me and think that I have it all together and I don't mess up, but the truth is that I feel like a giant screw-up daily. I do. I know it is a lie. I know all of those things I posted yesterday are true for me as well. But I really find it hard to accept for myself.
God told me something the other night in a middle of a melt-down (brought on mostly by the fact that I hadn't eaten dinner and it was 7:00. Not good for pregnant Katie!) where I was getting really down on myself for a lot of stuff. God said, "You sure are quick to offer mercy to others, but you never have any for yourself." I was floored. I couldn't get it out of my mind.
And then my first response was, "Yeah, but I know better. I shouldn't be messing up like that." Wow, proud much?!
So I am asking God to fill me with Truth so that I will recognize the lies I believe about myself. And I am asking him to break down my pride and my expectations for myself so that I can offer the same mercy to myself that I extend to others. I am asking Him to open my heart to what His Word says about me, that I will truly believe it and live it.
What about you? Do you find it easier to offer mercy to others or yourself?
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